My Postpartum Anxiety Story
Takeaway: Becoming a mother is a huge, complicated life transition - nothing is ever the same again. 1 in 7 new mothers experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy or postpartum. In this post, I share a little about my postpartum anxiety journey and what I want you know that I wish I had known back then.
This love changes everything.
My baby was home. Finally. After pregnancy loss, after a traumatic birth, after an ambulance ride, a medical diagnosis, and a week in intensive care. She was home! I was so happy. But… scared. And so tired. But… I couldn't sleep. I had an unshakable fear that filled every minute with worry and hyper-vigilance about her safety. I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I felt out of control with worry and felt like everything had to be done “right” to avoid something bad happening. It was nearly impossible to leave the house - I felt trapped by my worries and thoughts. I couldn’t understand how such a loved and longed-for child could cause me such distress. I had no idea, at that time, that I was beginning my journey with postpartum anxiety.
Postpartum anxiety is really hard. I struggled to understand how I was feeling and it was extremely scary and isolating. And I’m a therapist! I had worked in mental health for many years and had worked with hundreds of clients with anxiety. Karen Kleiman says in her book The Art of Holding in Therapy: An Essential Intervention, “one of the worst parts about the symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety is that they don’t feel like symptoms. They feel like who you are.” Instead of recognizing what I was experiencing as symptoms of anxiety, I thought I was just exhausted. Then I thought maybe this is what motherhood feels like and I just couldn’t handle it. Like I wasn’t cut out for it. Like it was just too much for me.
I wish I knew then what I know now- that 1 in 7 mothers struggle with symptoms of postpartum depression and/or postpartum anxiety. That Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) - the all-encompassing term for the spectrum of mood changes that may occur during or after pregnancy- are the number one complication of pregnancy and childbirth. I wish I had known - I suffered for too long without knowing what was going on with me and I sometimes feel sad about those early months that I missed out on enjoying because I didn’t have the right support for postpartum anxiety.
And what a relief when I did finally get support! I found that I wasn’t alone - joining a support group, working with a therapist, and connecting with other new moms gave me community, social support ,and perspective and allowed me to emotionally process the huge transition of becoming a mother.
So. I want you to know about PMADs. I want you know that all perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are treatable, and what’s more important than figuring out the exact label is recognizing if you aren’t feeling like yourself and reaching out for help. All moms need and deserve support. If you’re feeling how I was feeling, I want you to know - this is not what motherhood feels like. This is what postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression feels like. You are cut out for this, you are the perfect mother for your baby. You are not alone, and you deserve to feel better.
Resources
Postpartum Support International (PSI) is an amazing organization and website with resources, a helpline, and a directory to find providers and support groups in your area.
In the Long Beach/Los Alamitos, California area? I offer individual therapy for new moms and support groups. Book a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit.
Further Reading
Interested in learning more about postpartum depression and anxiety?
I recommend “This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression” by Karen Kleiman and Valerie Raskin
and my absolute favorite, “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers” by Karen Kleiman
